What am I doing? Why?

The world is lost. There is not more meaning in one gesture than the gesture in and of itself. There is not much time. You see, there is no future, and we are not headed anywhere. All the people you’re fighting against are just wasting your time. And that’s how they’re winning. And you’re fighting and you’re fighting and you don’t understand they’ve already won. It was all a big lie. One big 90s music video. The pretty girl with blonde highlights sold it to us and it looked like she was having so much fun. You dig? People hold guns for cameras. Is a gun anything other than a tool to kill people? In and of itself. The gesture

Tears.

I live in an apartment with people I don’t know or enjoy. I’m surprised every month I make rent at the last minute, and then I have a month to do nothing. Powerless. Stripped of any significance. I don’t mean to victimize myself. But we must be realistic now. The gesture. The end of days. Am I just doing this to make my art better? Going through the motions of all the tortured souls before me? Capturing every thought along an anguished path, trying to find the magic cure. Write the brilliant fix. Quick money with no effort at all. Every capitalists dream

Or?

Get everything, up, get everything out there. It’s so much and you don’t have much time and what should happen if you fail? And what do you stand to achieve?

Thank God for acting

I will have given up

I will have lost

I will have nothing to show

I might make something that can support me, expose me, lead me somewhere, that somebody might value

Do I have any choice?

Nobody is to blame