I’m sitting here, it’s 3:26 on a Thursday. I woke up around 11. If it weren’t for the peanut butter I’m eating right now with a plastic spoon I wouldn’t have had anything to eat in over 24 hours. Yesterday around this time I was eating the extra sushi my friends had ordered, and before that my friend molly ordered me an egg and cheese croissant. That was yesterday’s breakfast.
A remix for hang with me, that robyn song just came on. I’m feeling very weak. I’m answering emails right now from perspective johns or hookups I might get food out of. Hold on. I have something to talk about, relevant to the song. By the way. I’m not deleting. And I’m not really rereading. The universe doesn’t make mistakes.
Ok, so a week ago I left my friend’s house. I’d never felt so lonely. I cried the entire walk home, those big kind of heaving drunk sobs. I woke up with huge bags under my eyes. Starving. With a monster hangover. Went to kelly’s because after I’d gotten home the night before, all sobbing and lonely, I’d facebook chatted him. Told him I missed him. He was my family.
So I went to kelly’s with my hangover and my puffy eyes because I said I would and I stayed for as long as I could then I came home and flowdreamed and I think that.. well I can’t recall what happened after that, but my last article We Need The Truth was somewhere in there. That was a week ago. In that time I did not see any of my friends. My phone was disconnected. Again. After the last fight I will ever have with a man who’s been in my life almost 9 months. Almost as long as my first boyfriend, Kelly. I let him buy me an iphone and put it on his plan and with that I let myself be controlled in a very meaningful way. My phone is my life source. Without it I soon discovered I could not contact the people that I needed to, literally in order to live. This is why I’ve been so hungry lately. Well that is the immediate cause, obvs it’s a chain.
So this person was abusive. Emotionally. I worry that I’m effected in ways I don’t yet realize or understand. Becoming dependent on a person I did not know well, who it turns out, was interested mostly in causing emotional pain, which I was stalwart and conscious of. Which I endured to keep my phone on. Because I wanted to keep the iphone and they wouldn’t let me switch to a new service plan without him. Well, I got him to agree to switch it, but he dropped the other shoe, only if I suck his dick and let him cum on my face, I ran out, he shut the phone off. That’s the end of that. Again. But this time finally.
I worry that I have no one to blame but myself.
It’s so hard, after a while, to tell what happens to you and what you do. It becomes all the same. All the responsibility and none.
I’ve changed a lot in the last 9 months. This is the first month I was unable to pay my rent. Coincidentally my mom asked me a couple weeks ago if maybe I’d like to come home, get a job there, put my stuff here in storage. I said no thanks, but I’ll come for a visit. Then yesterday, with rent two days late, I told my very scary landlady roommate that there were some family problems and my mom had asked me to come home and I decided that this would be the best month to do it so could I please apply the 300$ deposit I’d made when I moved in for these next two weeks while I move my stuff into storage.
I’m sorry I’m so hungry.
She said ok. And my fate was settled. I went to kelly’s late that night. Saw the installation for wolfpack. A huge gay event. There was even a man as a wolf in a den, he stayed there as wolf overnight and will emerge during the party tonight which I will also be going to. I helped Kelly set up by scraping stickers off the floor, sweeping, and buying beer which I drank and also spent four of my last five emergency dollars on. I might need to take the subway one way.
When I was scraping off stickers that read Cambodia I told him, well it spilled out at the first opportune moment, and quite casually that I had talked to my landlady and I would be moving back home. I think I told him when. He left the room for a long time and I finished all but two of the stickered geography installations. I think Australia and New Zealand might have been left. We went about the rest of our business as usual after that.
I played music. He told me what to do. Was stern. I did it. At one point I came into the space to ask, alberto the wolf if he wanted anything. I was as earnest and respectful as I could be, he didn’t speak, but was wearing a very subtle and expressive smile. I moved close to the den and we nuzzled, then we kissed, then we nuzzled and kissed some more. When I thought I heard someone coming I stepped away and pretended to be looking for something. No one came.
I walked into the backroom. Kelly shortly told me it was time to go. I left shortly. I said goodbye to alberto the wolf who was now laying on the floor. He did not see me. He did not respond.
On the way back home I did that crying thing I was talking about having done last week. Same exact thing. This morning there were the same exact bags.
